My evolution into a transformational coach and guide
Over the last three years, I have had the privilege of sitting in over 850 hours of individual coaching sessions with clients. And in that amount of time with individuals, as you can imagine, you get to know yourself, your coaching style and where you can make the most difference.
It is true that a classically trained coach (as I am) can, in theory, coach anyone. But the question is not: Can you? The question is: Do you want to? Within every profession, you make choices as you get more familiar with the breadth and depth of what the role involves.
In coaching, there is an additional layer: It’s not just that, as a coach, you have the opportunity to specialise in your craft from the perspective of your interests (so self-focused). You also have a second parameter: What topic/situation/problem is the client bringing to coaching? Why does your client seek coaching?
Why traditional coaching focuses too much on action
Coaching is often seen as addressing "What I do".
Coaching has been captured squarely in the realm of “fixing” or “attaining”. You only need to look at how much information major life coaches publish. E.g. Mel Robbins’ last few podcast episodes were titled “The hidden reason you feel exhausted and how to feel better now”; “8 things to tell yourself every morning”; and “how to stop negative thoughts and reset your mind for positive thinking”.
We do not have a problem with obtaining information or strategies for “how” to fix anything these days.
One could argue we lack integration of that information.
But I would go a step further: We lack discernment.
We have been trained and conditioned to have others tell us what to do. We have increasingly outsourced our agency, our decision-making, and our discernment for what is right for us.
And I am not lost to that world. When I started coaching three years ago, I sought mentors and coaches to find the “right way” to find clients. I consumed programmes and paid mentors to tell me what to do and how to do it. I learned a lot and picked up a few skills on the way; don’t get me wrong. But I also hit the wall, as I have trapped myself in yet another hamster wheel of activities and strategies that are not suited to how I operate best and have led me in a direction I actually do not want. (The full story of that is for another time).
Shifting the focus from action to who you are
What I see lacking in coaching is the focus on “Who I am”.
With all these influences like wind in the sails, it is not wonder that coaching is increasingly being pressed into the field of optimisation for people looking for the fastest way to get from A to B.
Identify the problem, find the solution and move on.
Of course there are plenty of specific examples where this approach is right. If I want to know the right rowing technique, I want someone to tell me how its done. If I want to speak on a TED stage, I better understand exactly what they are looking for and then work to the specifics to make that work. If I want to get a job in a specific industry, it is good advice to find someone who understands that industry and its strategies for entering it.
These are all valid spaces to operate in as a coach.
But it is not the space I choose to operate in.
I operate on a different plain.
I operate on the plain and with clients, where the strategy/the action/the what is not the starting point.
Humans are not computers were you can run a virus scanner to identify the bug and fix it. We have a vast internal landscape of thoughts, emotions, past experiences, needs, desires - all of that mingled with our relationships, other people’s expectations, society’s norms, our culture.
I have hit enough cul-de-sacs in my life to know: at some point, you have to stop and rethink more than just fixing the surface-level issues.
And that’s the space I work in: Opening a space for my clients’ understanding and evolution into who they really want to be in the world.
My clients are , at their heart, seekers.
Seekers of the truth of who they are, beyond the conditioning, the fears and self-limiting thoughts.
Seekers of bettering themselves so they can offer more of their talents to the world.
Seekers of their creative power.
Seekers of their unique expression.
Often, they stand on the edge of a cliff.
That cliff might be a structure (either created by themselves or others) that doesn’t work anymore. They have tried all the “fixes”, but none stuck. The hamster wheel is still that… a hamster wheel. They are seeking a more sustainable approach to showing up in the world.
That cliff might be a way of being they have been trained to embody. They are desperate to soften how they navigate their day, speak, and treat themselves. They want to lean on other faculties - their felt sensations as an information source - and expand the way they make decisions, navigate workplace issues, relationships, and next steps in life.
But there are many options at the edge of a cliff.
You can go back the way you came.
You can camp out on the cliff, hoping someone will find and save you.
You can find new means to go beyond the edge of the cliff. You can build a plane (to take off), a parachute (to enjoy the view on the way down) or a bridge to the next mountain already in sight.
My mind, body, and spirit coaching approach
I work on the level of personal transformation: mind + emotion, body + spirit, presence + action.
The answer to getting off the cliff is individual.
The right answer (not the one you get by asking others) lies in the intelligence of our complex inner ecosystem: mind, body, emotion, spirit.
Who do I want to be(come)?
And how do I get out of my own way (to make that happen)?
Getting out of your own way can have many facets. These might include:
Rebuilding your connection to your body and your senses with pockets of presence, breathing, imagery practices, and notice what it brings up.
Noticing emotions that are pulling you away from the person you want to be, or driving the patterns keeping you stuck. The work here is to notice, acknowledge and integrate - and not react, ignore or swallow.
Understanding the patterns of your mind and who’s most in charge. The Saboteur? The Dreamer? The Realist? And then finding the Sovereign voice to lead the way.
Getting to know your inner critic. Not ignoring, fighting or arguing with it. Being curious why it’s there, and what it needs.
Connecting with your compassionate self as the fears rear their head. The work here is to understand the fears that are driving the show, and integrate those parts (not shame or blame them).
Actively cultivating an identity that doesn’t hinge on how productive you are, how much you’ve achieved, or how well you’ve managed to please everyone else.
Asking hard questions, like: who are you when you’re not working? Who are you when you’re not supporting others? And committing to finding answers.
Finding practices that connect you with your joy and give your spirit room to play.
Above all, I am also looking forward to bringing more of myself and my talents to this client work. And this means more of the ‘+ guide’ element. Coaching relies heavily on the spoken word during a coaching session. But as a guide, I can sense into the space and choose from my toolbox of approaches that go beyond the spoken word - that might involve the body, the inner imaginary faculty, my own and my clients’ psychic faculty and other creative techniques.
I’d love to know what of this resonates, or if you have any thoughts or questions,
Simone
